Imagine you’re sitting in a restaurant. Or on the couch at your family’s house. Or hanging out with your significant other. You look around, you try to focus on the people around you, but it is hard. Everything seems distant. You make conversation, you hear yourself talking and responding appropriately, but you ask yourself how it is happening. You are in some way physically aware and conscious of what you are doing but it seems as though you are watching someone else go through the motions of your life. It is as though a thin veil separates you from everything. You zone out a lot. You feel as though you are in a daze. You sit in your room and look at the walls around you and it seems very … distant. Unfamiliar, almost. You feel like you have tunnel vision all the time. You can’t connect with anyone or anything because you can’t even connect with yourself.
This is a problem I have been having a lot lately. I am not really sure what it is or why I have it. Could it be depression? I don’t know… It doesn’t feel like any depression I have ever heard described. Is it some kind of dissociative disorder? Depersonalization? I wish I knew the answers to these questions but I have none.
Little things bring me back now and then. When my partner does sweet little things that touch me and make me smile, when something makes me laugh heartily. It seems rare though. Today I had a good laugh about something. Afterward I sat there wondering when the last time I laughed more than a chuckle like that was. I couldn’t remember.
What the hell is up with me? It is frustrating because I don’t know if I should be worried that I don’t feel like myself or if I should just ride it out and hope I pull through eventually.
Anyway. Sleep time.