I had a really impactful dream last night. I won’t get into all the details, but basically I was hanging out with some people who at one point in my life were very important to me. I have since broken ties with them. However, in my dream they were there and they were battling with the people I currently hold dear for a slot in my life. I was sitting in a booth somewhere with one these old friends and new ones began to show up. Although I could recognize them, next to my old friends my new friends could not recognize me.
When I woke up my heart was hurting with the memory of those people I once held dear but am no longer in touch with. A lingering pain from the separation haunted me on my way to work.
I started to think about it, though, and one thing became very clear to me: there is no going back. I will never be the person those people loved again. I have changed too much in the past two years of my life. I can never revert to the me I was before the events that changed my life and my outlook on the world so drastically two years ago. Those people, they are from my old life now. They are from a chapter that has closed.
I am at the beginning of a new chapter in my life. The first two years of this chapter have been rocky and earth-shaking. Things are just starting to calm down, and I am sure I will find my solid footing again soon.
I think in some ways I have not completely let those people go, but this morning I found a new resolve to confront that pain and attachment and truly try to move on. I have a tendency to block things out in order to avoid painful emotions. For this reason, I think, I can’t completely heal or get over some things. Today that changes, at least in this instance. I am going to try my hardest to feel whatever comes my way and to work through it.
Maybe dealing with things in this manner will pull me out of this haze I have been walking around in.