You want inside my head?

I want to feel again. I mean feel, really feel, not this tightness in my chest and this heat under my skin that sends me raging only I never rage because I have too much control to let it all out and that’s how it has always been. I said always but that’s not true because once upon a time I raged all the time. I lived in a place where rage was commonplace and that’s how I communicated. But no more. I haven’t truly raged in years and years and who can say whether that is good or bad? I think my family must be shocked by how I don’t rage any more that way I raged when I was 13 and under and living with them under the same roof before I moved away. I think they can’t believe how calm and patient I actually am now. No really, I am. I have no reason to rage any more. And I don’t like losing control. Who does? Some people think that makes me a control freak but what the hell does that mean? I am a control freak because I don’t let my emotions overrun into blind rage. Sure sometimes I cry when I don’t want to but I would rather cry when I don’t want to than rage and be nasty and ugly and embarrass myself. Control freak. Yeah. I want to feel again. I’ve been walking around in this daze, daze, never ending daze for weeks now. I feel like I have tunnel vision and yeah I know it’s goofy but sometimes I think the black rims of my glasses may be contributing. Who knows. I want to feel. I want to feel something besides what I already feel, what I always feel. I want to feel happiness. I want to laugh. I want to laugh for long periods of time. I want to laugh until my muscles hurt and tears roll down my cheeks and I can’t help but double over with the pleasure of it all. I want to feel…good.

Good. Like a smile working its way across the cheeks, blood rushing through like sour candy making the muscles tingle. Good like stepping outside on a sunny day and knowing it is yours for the taking, to do whatever you wish. Good…like there is potential in the world and everything that surrounds you. The world felt like that to me once. Then I learned. I ate something I shouldn’t have. Not literally, but figuratively. You know, I hate to make references to that infernal piece of literature but yeah. I ate from the wrong tree, so to speak. I think I can’t go back. I can’t unlearn what I learned. I can only pretend it never happened and what the hell, why would I? Why should I? Should I??? Is that what people do? Do they learn things that turn them upside down and shake the foundation of everything they thought they ever knew and then go back to what they were doing like it never happened? Is that survival? Is that giving up? Is that assimilation? Can you only survive if you assimilate? Sometimes I wonder if I will look back at myself now and ask myself what the hell was I thinking. What was I so worked up about? That scares me. If I forget, does the system win? Does this dirty, evil, fucked up system win if I just “keep calm, carry on”? I hate how everyone uses those memes. Like they fucking know something. It’s cute. Real cute. Keep calm, _fill in the blank_. But no seriously. Watch TV. Watch your facebook thread. Post on twitter while your child drowns in the pool. Turn the world into your own little reality TV shit fest. Even the news is reality TV. Oh, Putin said we aren’t exceptional? RUDE! Let’s hear what snark Newt Gingrich has to pass out of his poop portal because hey, it’s better than taking this situation seriously. IT’S SENSATIONAL! Don’t read between the lines. Look. A big eyed puppy rolling through a field of clouds in a tumble weed. The end.

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