In an otherwise fog-filled couple of days.
I am actually kind of pissed. Yesterday He was texting me all day and it ended in him telling me not to contact him any more and that we were going to sever all ties. I said fine, if that is what you need I will do it. So I stopped contacting him. Then today he started texting me again saying he loves me and he doesn’t want to lose me, etc. He started trying to convince me to come home, that he would fight for me, that we would make things work together… I guess I forgot that I have heard this all before. I was actually feeling a little swayed.
Then I started reading through my personal journal from the last couple of months.
First of all, in August he basically kicked me out and I had to come live with my family. He couldn’t stand me, didn’t love me, wanted me to do something for myself, whatever… A couple weeks later he was begging me to come back, saying I was right, that his love had been very conditional, that everything was gonna be better, and so on…
Bright eyed and bushy tailed I went back….actually, I was pretty skeptical and spent the first couple of weeks in September feeling very dissociated. Things started to seem better, though, and I decided to try to put some effort in. Then, come the beginning of October, things got pretty rough… We fought a lot the first two weeks of October and on the 13th he told me he would be happier if I wasn’t there and we talked about breaking up. Miraculously, when he went back to school and wasn’t cooped up there all by himself going stir crazy while I was at work things got better. Temporarily. And now here we are.
All of this has just made me realize that he hasn’t ever loved me unconditionally…he gives and retracts his love as he sees fit. In fact, today we were talking about our fights from when I quit my job (at his request) and how he told me he didn’t have feelings for me any more and he said that at that point I wasn’t worthy of his love. What the fuck. Why have I been groveling and putting up with this shit?
This mother fucker had me trained like a dog….
Glad I kept a record, because I was forgetful like one.