I am having a moment of clarity…

In an otherwise fog-filled couple of days.

I am actually kind of pissed. Yesterday He was texting me all day and it ended in him telling me not to contact him any more and that we were going to sever all ties. I said fine, if that is what you need I will do it. So I stopped contacting him. Then today he started texting me again saying he loves me and he doesn’t want to lose me, etc. He started trying to convince me to come home, that he would fight for me, that we would make things work together… I guess I forgot that I have heard this all before. I was actually feeling a little swayed.

Then I started reading through my personal journal from the last couple of months.

First of all, in August he basically kicked me out and I had to come live with my family. He couldn’t stand me, didn’t love me, wanted me to do something for myself, whatever… A couple weeks later he was begging me to come back, saying I was right, that his love had been very conditional, that everything was gonna be better, and so on…

Bright eyed and bushy tailed I went back….actually, I was pretty skeptical and spent the first couple of weeks in September feeling very dissociated. Things started to seem better, though, and I decided to try to put some effort in. Then, come the beginning of October, things got pretty rough… We fought a lot the first two weeks of October and on the 13th he told me he would be happier if I wasn’t there and we talked about breaking up. Miraculously, when he went back to school and wasn’t cooped up there all by himself going stir crazy while I was at work things got better. Temporarily. And now here we are.

All of this has just made me realize that he hasn’t ever loved me unconditionally…he gives and retracts his love as he sees fit. In fact, today we were talking about our fights from when I quit my job (at his request) and how he told me he didn’t have feelings for me any more and he said that at that point I wasn’t worthy of his love. What the fuck. Why have I been groveling and putting up with this shit?

This mother fucker had me trained like a dog….

Glad I kept a record, because I was forgetful like one.

The talks with Him are ongoing…

It is hard but I think we are both seeking closure. Today he told me he should have been more forthcoming and open with me about how he was feeling instead of pushing me away… He said he still feels like we can’t be friends because he loved me too much. To me I feel like no matter what, through everything we were always friends. I value him so much as a friend and companion. I guess it is different for him. He can’t stand the thought of “downgrading” to being just friends when we had so much more than that.

I asked him why he treated me the way he did, if it is true that he loved me “too much”… Why he resented me, was annoyed by everything I did…why he couldn’t accept me and why we couldn’t get along. He said it was because he didn’t like how I was playing “home economics” and playing video games and watching series in order to distract myself…

What was I supposed to do??? He was busy with school, we did most things together…when he was home we would watch movies and play Minecraft together and I would make us dinner… What was I supposed to be doing in my free time? Something more productive? Like what??? What??

I don’t get it. I don’t understand what he expected of me.

I abandoned all of my plans so that we could try to make our lives fit together. That was necessary. My plans have always consisted of traveling the world. My degree was my ticket to that. That is why I got certified to teach English as a foreign language. That had been my only plan. I didn’t know what I wanted to do besides that.

Apparently, the job I had wasn’t good enough for him. I wasn’t paid enough, blah blah blah. He even pretends that I never worked at all and that every moment of my life was free time, and all I ever did was play games and watch series…

Sgukmbsmfgli.

I guess he is just delusional about all that.

Whatever. Maybe these talks are pointless.

I want to write our story…

I want to write about everything. How we met, under what conditions we became close, what we endured together, how our relationship evolved…I want to write it all, but I can’t. It makes my heart ache and long for you and I just can’t allow myself to go there.

What we had began as something beautiful. Our world was crashing down around us and we steadfastly clung to each other, protected each other, loved each other. We were all we had.

I can’t exactly say what went through your mind, what snapped and made you wake up feeling differently about me. I know when it happened. I can make my guesses as to why. I can cry about that time over a year ago when things started to spiral downward. But what good is that?

Things changed between us. I was no longer “strong and capable” in your eyes. I was someone who needed to be looked after, supervised…someone who couldn’t be trusted to make proper decisions on their own. I wish I could say I deserved that treatment. I wish those assumptions about me had been true and not projected. I wish you could have accepted that sometimes people get sick and then they get better…they dust themselves off and prepare to surpass their previous efforts.

I guess you just couldn’t let it go. No matter how loyal and devoted I was, I had failed in your eyes and that knowledge, that I had a weakness, ate you up inside. It never stopped eating you up inside.

It spilled out of you and onto me. Everything I did was wrong, in need of correction…You somehow forgot that I had survived very well on my own before I met you. You thought I would perish left to my own devices. You had no confidence in me and slowly, so slowly, I, too, lost the confidence to make decisions in your presence. I was crippled by the fear of theta criticism to come.

I can’t write about our relationship, not the good parts. The good parts make me miss it. They make me want it. I can’t want it.

I think relationships are a lot like people…once they are broken, damaged, it is very hard to find and repair that damage. That damage can probably never be completely erased. Relationships are nothing without the people they exist between, and those people never forget.

China & Mixed Signals

I feel really restless and have a lack of motivation these days. I did contact that school in China to see if they are still interested in me and hopefully I will hear back from them soon. If I do, it will be in the middle of the night tonight. If they still want me I will go over there to take my teaching position in February and spend the time between now and then getting the paperwork and money for the plane ticket together.

I was supposed to go work for them in August when we separated but then we both wanted to try again…I have not kept in contact with them to verify or deny that I would be coming, but the email they sent to see if I am still interested was from earlier this month so hopefully I still have a shot 🙂

*He* has been texting me all day about how much he misses me and how lonely the apartment is without me… I told him I miss him too but that doesn’t change anything. I still have to go and do what I need to do to get back on track.

He is the only person I have ever been best friends and lovers with. I feel like we could be friends down the line but according to him we cannot. He said he has better things to do than pine over me over a distance and be hung up.

What is he talking about? The night before I left he said he had no feelings for me… Which (again, according to him) was his way of helping me since I haven’t been the “strong independent woman” he met for a while and had basically become his house wife…he said he “couldn’t let [me] live that way”. I guess he thought I would just stick around there being depressed about our relationship and still somehow get back on my own two feet all the while being dependent on and heartbroken about him.

What. The. Hell?

Things are getting easier.

Things are getting easier. I am starting to come out of my fog. I am lucky and thankful that my family has been so supportive and helpful. I spent the night with my sister last night, and she and I went to see Catching Fire with my brother and his little sister.

I have also been speaking with Him a little bit. I said I know this may not be the time and we may neither be ready but I hope that eventually we can stay in touch and support each other because despite everything that has happened he is my best friend and I am his. He thinks I am going to break down and beg him to let me come home and for that reason I shouldn’t speak to him, but I told him that I have come to accept that we just can’t be next to each other and do the different things we want to do in life.

I do admit that I miss him greatly right now…I am in a place that is very close minded compared to what I am used to and I miss our conversations about politics, political theory, and current events.

In the car on the way home from my sisters my mom’s husband was being horrible racist and after a while I just couldn’t take it and just went off on him about how wrong he is. Of course, it did no good. But I just wished afterward that I could call Him and tell him about it and discuss the situation but I know he will rub it in my face that I came here of my own accord right now because he is mad at me.

He told me that I had the opportunity to do all the things I wanted there with him and that instead all I did was sit around and play games and watch series and do things to distract myself. The thing is, I couldn’t do the things I wanted there. Every action on my part came with a reaction and often a judgment from his part. What is more, all of my opportunities (the ones that I want) are out of the country. We were supposed to try to go together next year but it has become more and more apparent that he will not be ready for that. I don’t blame him for it. He wants to finish school and I am afraid that if I wait around for him to finish school I will have been too long out of university myself that my opportunities will have passed. That is not fair to either of us.

I am excited about my future now, whereas before I couldn’t even think about it without having to consider leaving his side and therefore put those thoughts on hold with the rest of my life.

I don’t want to stay here and settle for an occupation that I will never enjoy as much as what I desire to do. I want to thrive.

Dreaming about him

Last night I dreamt that he and I were in a college or high school or something. My college professors were there but a bell rang and school buses came at the end of the day. 

I went to find him after class and he was leaving with a friend and I was upset because he hadn’t told me. He said he wasn’t coming home that night and I was upset because I didn’t want to be alone… I said, “Go home with him now but please come home tonight!”

He said there was no one at house so he was going to stay at his friend’s and I said, “But I will be there…” And he said, “That doesn’t count.” 

I was really heart and upset and started to walk home but I had no way to get there, there were no sidewalks, and I had not idea where to go. 

I guess the dream was just reflecting how I feel right now… I feel lonely without him. Even though he wasn’t treating me well, he has still been my best friend and partner for the past two years. I feel like I have lost him as a friend right now.

Hopefully as time passes we will be able to regain some friendship. I don’t know. He hasn’t been talking to me. I know that is probably the best thing for both of us so that we can get used to things and not be plagued with the desire to be together because we are used to it.

My heart hurts. *sigh*