Emotional Hell

I am in emotional hell right now. I left my boyfriend/partner this week. We have been inseparable for two years. We have been through so much together but I suppose I gave up too much of myself so that we could stay together and as a result I became someone he couldn’t love or respect any more. This fact showed more and more through his actions…he treated me disrespectfully, insulted me, criticized everything I did. I felt like I just couldn’t do anything right, and no matter how many different ways I tried to do things, even simple day to day activities, it came back to blow up on me. All this constant second guessing myself, trying to avoid the conflict, lead me to lose a lot of confidence in myself.

On top of all of this, I didn’t have a job for the majority of the time we were together. First I was finishing school and lost my job at the end of 2011 when I got caught up in protesting. Then when I finished we wanted to travel and he could support us so we did a little of that, but not nearly as much as we had intended. When I thought I should start working after that, neither of us wanted to spend the time apart. Of course, even though he didn’t want me to work, it would get thrown in my face that I didn’t after a while. All that said, I became financially dependent on him. This September, after a month of separation, I went back to him and got a job. I needed to be able to support myself.

Last week I had to quit that job because I didn’t want to get mixed up in the activities that we’re going on there. Even when I was working, I didn’t get enough hours and I wasn’t making enough to support myself alone.

I became someone that warmed his bed and got in his nerves…I became someone I couldn’t be proud of, I felt stuck because I had modified my life to fit into his. I was extremely depressed and couldn’t focus on anything except how our relationship had fallen apart. One night he told me he didn’t feel anything any more and so I called my mom to come and get me…now I am here, still helplessly dependent on someone else, but I am determined to get back on track…at least, in those moments when the fog of depression and maladjustment is lifted I feel determined.

Writing everything down like this helps. I have to become someone I am proud and happy to be again. I am on my way.

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