Things are getting easier. I am starting to come out of my fog. I am lucky and thankful that my family has been so supportive and helpful. I spent the night with my sister last night, and she and I went to see Catching Fire with my brother and his little sister.
I have also been speaking with Him a little bit. I said I know this may not be the time and we may neither be ready but I hope that eventually we can stay in touch and support each other because despite everything that has happened he is my best friend and I am his. He thinks I am going to break down and beg him to let me come home and for that reason I shouldn’t speak to him, but I told him that I have come to accept that we just can’t be next to each other and do the different things we want to do in life.
I do admit that I miss him greatly right now…I am in a place that is very close minded compared to what I am used to and I miss our conversations about politics, political theory, and current events.
In the car on the way home from my sisters my mom’s husband was being horrible racist and after a while I just couldn’t take it and just went off on him about how wrong he is. Of course, it did no good. But I just wished afterward that I could call Him and tell him about it and discuss the situation but I know he will rub it in my face that I came here of my own accord right now because he is mad at me.
He told me that I had the opportunity to do all the things I wanted there with him and that instead all I did was sit around and play games and watch series and do things to distract myself. The thing is, I couldn’t do the things I wanted there. Every action on my part came with a reaction and often a judgment from his part. What is more, all of my opportunities (the ones that I want) are out of the country. We were supposed to try to go together next year but it has become more and more apparent that he will not be ready for that. I don’t blame him for it. He wants to finish school and I am afraid that if I wait around for him to finish school I will have been too long out of university myself that my opportunities will have passed. That is not fair to either of us.
I am excited about my future now, whereas before I couldn’t even think about it without having to consider leaving his side and therefore put those thoughts on hold with the rest of my life.
I don’t want to stay here and settle for an occupation that I will never enjoy as much as what I desire to do. I want to thrive.