I want to write about everything. How we met, under what conditions we became close, what we endured together, how our relationship evolved…I want to write it all, but I can’t. It makes my heart ache and long for you and I just can’t allow myself to go there.
What we had began as something beautiful. Our world was crashing down around us and we steadfastly clung to each other, protected each other, loved each other. We were all we had.
I can’t exactly say what went through your mind, what snapped and made you wake up feeling differently about me. I know when it happened. I can make my guesses as to why. I can cry about that time over a year ago when things started to spiral downward. But what good is that?
Things changed between us. I was no longer “strong and capable” in your eyes. I was someone who needed to be looked after, supervised…someone who couldn’t be trusted to make proper decisions on their own. I wish I could say I deserved that treatment. I wish those assumptions about me had been true and not projected. I wish you could have accepted that sometimes people get sick and then they get better…they dust themselves off and prepare to surpass their previous efforts.
I guess you just couldn’t let it go. No matter how loyal and devoted I was, I had failed in your eyes and that knowledge, that I had a weakness, ate you up inside. It never stopped eating you up inside.
It spilled out of you and onto me. Everything I did was wrong, in need of correction…You somehow forgot that I had survived very well on my own before I met you. You thought I would perish left to my own devices. You had no confidence in me and slowly, so slowly, I, too, lost the confidence to make decisions in your presence. I was crippled by the fear of theta criticism to come.
I can’t write about our relationship, not the good parts. The good parts make me miss it. They make me want it. I can’t want it.
I think relationships are a lot like people…once they are broken, damaged, it is very hard to find and repair that damage. That damage can probably never be completely erased. Relationships are nothing without the people they exist between, and those people never forget.