I am having a moment of clarity…

In an otherwise fog-filled couple of days.

I am actually kind of pissed. Yesterday He was texting me all day and it ended in him telling me not to contact him any more and that we were going to sever all ties. I said fine, if that is what you need I will do it. So I stopped contacting him. Then today he started texting me again saying he loves me and he doesn’t want to lose me, etc. He started trying to convince me to come home, that he would fight for me, that we would make things work together… I guess I forgot that I have heard this all before. I was actually feeling a little swayed.

Then I started reading through my personal journal from the last couple of months.

First of all, in August he basically kicked me out and I had to come live with my family. He couldn’t stand me, didn’t love me, wanted me to do something for myself, whatever… A couple weeks later he was begging me to come back, saying I was right, that his love had been very conditional, that everything was gonna be better, and so on…

Bright eyed and bushy tailed I went back….actually, I was pretty skeptical and spent the first couple of weeks in September feeling very dissociated. Things started to seem better, though, and I decided to try to put some effort in. Then, come the beginning of October, things got pretty rough… We fought a lot the first two weeks of October and on the 13th he told me he would be happier if I wasn’t there and we talked about breaking up. Miraculously, when he went back to school and wasn’t cooped up there all by himself going stir crazy while I was at work things got better. Temporarily. And now here we are.

All of this has just made me realize that he hasn’t ever loved me unconditionally…he gives and retracts his love as he sees fit. In fact, today we were talking about our fights from when I quit my job (at his request) and how he told me he didn’t have feelings for me any more and he said that at that point I wasn’t worthy of his love. What the fuck. Why have I been groveling and putting up with this shit?

This mother fucker had me trained like a dog….

Glad I kept a record, because I was forgetful like one.

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4 thoughts on “I am having a moment of clarity…

  1. Run and don’t look back. Seriously, he sounds bi-polar and controlling. He loves the idea of you. That isn’t love.

    I am sorry he’s messing with your head. Cut all ties. You are worth more than his second rate psycho love.

    ~ Darling

    • Thank you…

      I know you are right and I know I need to keep my distance, too…

      I wish it was easy cutting all ties with someone you have been with nonstop for over 2 years. I guess we all do.

      I miss him, and as I have said, I value him as a friend…but I just need to remember that no matter how much I “want” to go back, I “have” to stay away.

      I really appreciate your advice and support in this. You can never have too many people reaffirming what you need to keep in mind.

      I have a problem with sweeping traumatic experiences under a rug and forgetting they ever happened so I am super glad that I started keeping a journal this time around.

      Best,

      Eva.

  2. I keep a personal paper journal, too! Im so glad you and I both do that. Either this relationship needs a break with room to breathe, or it is a done deal and you need to move on with your life. That is easier said than done, but Im telling you girlie, it gets better a little bit more and a little bit more day by day. Its time for you, for you to find out who you are again without him. If I was there, Id give you a big hug and pour you a glass of wine. If he texts you again, you either ignore his ass or politely tell him that you need your alone time and you will contact him when you see fit 🙂 You’re strong, the wheels are already turning in your mind to take the better path from him. Listen to your gut, your heart and mind will trick you. Sorry this was long…

    • Noooo, don’t apologize. Honestly, I need the outside input.

      Since I wrote this post yesterday he has been begging and pleading and making promises…”I need you, I want you, I love you,” and so on… But I think, too, that I need a break for a while to even know what I want.

      Bleh.

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