Because we are all so “adult”…

Lately I have learned that the best way to make your point when you disagree with someone is to call them names.

Don’t agree with X Political Party? You’re spineless!

Proponent of firearm safety/control? You’re a ninny!

And so on and so forth.

Apparently, the goal is to avoid rational conversation and jump right to verbal abuse in order to tear down the confidence of the other side in hopes that your irrational argument will appear more valid. The validity of your irrational argument, though you have no facts or hard evidence to support it, may be strengthened in the eyes of your opponent through your willingness to cut them down. After all, verbally abusing your opponent/conversational partner is the best way to demonstrate your confidence in your side of the issue at hand. If you say it with conviction and tear down any who may oppose you it must mean you are right.

Just in case you were wondering.

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What the hell do I want?!

I haven’t posted in a good few days because I feel so lost and like I just have no idea what I want.

I am in a state of constant anxiety because I am torn…

I am torn between not wanting to give up my life and my partner from the last two years, and starting a new one, I suppose.

Here’s what I am thinking…

On the one hand, He is my best friend. Things have been rough, yes. He has not treated me well. At the same time, I know that for a while I have been distant, aloof, and confused about what to do with my life. I still am. Two years ago, around the time we met, my worldview changed dramatically, as did his. I have been struggling with what that means for my life ever since. I feel like my introversion surrounding this issue has probably caused a lot of problems from my end… I have a tendency to withdraw and immerse myself in distractions because I have absolutely no idea what move to make…so I make none. When I decided to leave, things were *finally* evening out for us. We were stable, at last. Things *were getting better*. That is a truth that I know without anyone telling me. There was less tension in general. Regardless that, I have still been stuck in an anxious kind of stressed out state of mind. I have been on edge for months and I don’t really know how to come down. All of this to say, I don’t want to blame everything on Him. I feel like we have a very important relationship. I doubt I will ever have another like it. I don’t know anyone else who just gets things the way I do. I think he and I have a lot of issues to work out, and I also don’t believe that giving up because things are hard is the answer, especially when it comes to people you care about.

On the other hand, there is this opportunity to go and teach abroad. It is a great opportunity. It is in China. I don’t have any particular interest in going to China specifically. I don’t even feel excited about it, to tell you the truth. I think China has a deep, rich history that I would be lucky to have exposure to. I don’t know though…I am just not feeling it.

When I sit here and try to think about what would make me happy, I see a small house with some land…a yard, a garden with fruits and vegetables that I planted myself…I see Him there…I see an autonomous, sustainable lifestyle somewhere abroad – maybe South America as we had planned. Is that wrong? Am I just supposed to forget it all and give up when both of us seem to want to work through things?

I know I seem extremely wishy-washy…probably because I am. I just feel…stuck.

Phew.

I am feeling a lot better this morning. First of all, there are no kids here at my mom’s to wake me up screeching this morning. I got to sleep until 9:30 AM. Holy shit. Usually my 3 year old step-niece comes and wakes me up at 6:30 AM and starts making all kinds of demands of me, like, “Make me eggs and toast!” or sometimes just, “Wake up!!! I’m hungwy…” and often, “PWAY WIB MEEEEE!!!” Shoo. She is a riot. She and her mom and her siblings went to stay the night with some of their family though so I got to sleep in. Kind of, I guess, considering I was up much later than usual talking to my best friend on the phone.

I am so thankful for her. She called me at 1 AM her time and talked to me for a long time. She makes more sense to me than anyone else I talk to sometimes. She is very good at helping me put things into perspective.

Not sure *what* the hell I am going to get into today but I sure do not plan on spending it glued to my phone in anticipation of text messages like I have been. I can’t stand it any more. It is probably really unhealthy. I know for me that it is kind of debilitating.

So yeah. Not sure what I am going to get up to today, but I am looking forward to whatever it is 🙂

Night time is the hardest…

When night time rolls around I just want to check on him and see how he is doing. I want to tell him good night and I love him. I want to snuggle up to his warm body.

Today I told him that I just can’t come back to him right now, and that whether he supports me or not I am going to China. If I say this a million times, will I believe it? Despite everything, when he begs and pleads and makes me promises I want to believe it. But I can’t. I can’t. I have to do this. I have to have some respect for myself. I have to pursue my dreams. I have to get to know myself again.

I feel like my heart and mind are spinning in an interminable loop. I have to go! But wait, I love him! No, I have to go! But wait…!

You know…something that bothers me is that, yeah…he has treated me poorly, mostly verbally. He has put me down, called me names, broken my heart on more than one occasion… However, he is still a human being. I feel like everyone talks about him as though he weren’t one. That is probably my fault. In going through this I probably haven’t spoken much good about him.

We are all complex. That is what makes us human. Though he may be an asshole, he is also loyal, protective, funny, and intelligent. He provided for me these past two years.

He keeps saying he gave me everything I wanted and I abandoned him. At first I thought he meant material things. Then I realized that he meant that after two years of me begging and pleading with him to listen to me and to just get our own place instead of doing roommates and all that…he finally did it. He gave me what I wanted. That is to say…. He got back in school (he said he only did that so we wouldn’t have to worry about money and we could save a bit to go to South America together), we got the apartment (he hates apartments), I had my job, etc… Then I left. I left him with the bills, the lease, the gym membership for 2… Does that make me the asshole? Does it mean I am ungrateful and have no follow through?

Or does it mean that no matter what we decide to try nothing seems to work for us?

…I don’t know.

Something about the night makes my heart grow softer, and I lie here and consider these things and question myself.

I wish this could be easier…but I guess if it were easier that would mean neither of us ever cared.

Anyway…I guess I will say goodnight to you all, and wish I could say goodnight to him.

Sweet dreams, everyone.