When night time rolls around I just want to check on him and see how he is doing. I want to tell him good night and I love him. I want to snuggle up to his warm body.
Today I told him that I just can’t come back to him right now, and that whether he supports me or not I am going to China. If I say this a million times, will I believe it? Despite everything, when he begs and pleads and makes me promises I want to believe it. But I can’t. I can’t. I have to do this. I have to have some respect for myself. I have to pursue my dreams. I have to get to know myself again.
I feel like my heart and mind are spinning in an interminable loop. I have to go! But wait, I love him! No, I have to go! But wait…!
You know…something that bothers me is that, yeah…he has treated me poorly, mostly verbally. He has put me down, called me names, broken my heart on more than one occasion… However, he is still a human being. I feel like everyone talks about him as though he weren’t one. That is probably my fault. In going through this I probably haven’t spoken much good about him.
We are all complex. That is what makes us human. Though he may be an asshole, he is also loyal, protective, funny, and intelligent. He provided for me these past two years.
He keeps saying he gave me everything I wanted and I abandoned him. At first I thought he meant material things. Then I realized that he meant that after two years of me begging and pleading with him to listen to me and to just get our own place instead of doing roommates and all that…he finally did it. He gave me what I wanted. That is to say…. He got back in school (he said he only did that so we wouldn’t have to worry about money and we could save a bit to go to South America together), we got the apartment (he hates apartments), I had my job, etc… Then I left. I left him with the bills, the lease, the gym membership for 2… Does that make me the asshole? Does it mean I am ungrateful and have no follow through?
Or does it mean that no matter what we decide to try nothing seems to work for us?
…I don’t know.
Something about the night makes my heart grow softer, and I lie here and consider these things and question myself.
I wish this could be easier…but I guess if it were easier that would mean neither of us ever cared.
Anyway…I guess I will say goodnight to you all, and wish I could say goodnight to him.
Sweet dreams, everyone.