I haven’t posted in a good few days because I feel so lost and like I just have no idea what I want.
I am in a state of constant anxiety because I am torn…
I am torn between not wanting to give up my life and my partner from the last two years, and starting a new one, I suppose.
Here’s what I am thinking…
On the one hand, He is my best friend. Things have been rough, yes. He has not treated me well. At the same time, I know that for a while I have been distant, aloof, and confused about what to do with my life. I still am. Two years ago, around the time we met, my worldview changed dramatically, as did his. I have been struggling with what that means for my life ever since. I feel like my introversion surrounding this issue has probably caused a lot of problems from my end… I have a tendency to withdraw and immerse myself in distractions because I have absolutely no idea what move to make…so I make none. When I decided to leave, things were *finally* evening out for us. We were stable, at last. Things *were getting better*. That is a truth that I know without anyone telling me. There was less tension in general. Regardless that, I have still been stuck in an anxious kind of stressed out state of mind. I have been on edge for months and I don’t really know how to come down. All of this to say, I don’t want to blame everything on Him. I feel like we have a very important relationship. I doubt I will ever have another like it. I don’t know anyone else who just gets things the way I do. I think he and I have a lot of issues to work out, and I also don’t believe that giving up because things are hard is the answer, especially when it comes to people you care about.
On the other hand, there is this opportunity to go and teach abroad. It is a great opportunity. It is in China. I don’t have any particular interest in going to China specifically. I don’t even feel excited about it, to tell you the truth. I think China has a deep, rich history that I would be lucky to have exposure to. I don’t know though…I am just not feeling it.
When I sit here and try to think about what would make me happy, I see a small house with some land…a yard, a garden with fruits and vegetables that I planted myself…I see Him there…I see an autonomous, sustainable lifestyle somewhere abroad – maybe South America as we had planned. Is that wrong? Am I just supposed to forget it all and give up when both of us seem to want to work through things?
I know I seem extremely wishy-washy…probably because I am. I just feel…stuck.