There isn’t much to report for the last few days.

Things have been pretty quiet. I have been sick. I am not sure what with, maybe a cold or a sinus infection. My sister has three kids and I am pretty sure one of them passed it off to me.

I am not sure if I mentioned this before, but my sister’s friend has been staying here as well, since about the second day I was here. Her husband was beating her up when he was drunk and she came here to get away. She is staying here, waiting for the cops to pick him up… it is taking them forever to find him.

Anyway. We did a little birthday celebration for her on Saturday. We got babysitters, had some drinks, hung out…

I think the alcohol really made me feel more out of place than I usually feel…or maybe it just made me realize that I feel that way sometimes. I felt like I was going through culture shock.

What’s more, I have bad dreams almost every night and I always wake up for no reason between 4:00 and 4:30 AM. It is hard to get any sleep. I guess being sick doesn’t help ๐Ÿ˜›

I am hoping to get some rest today and call around about jobs. Gotta keep my head in the game :]

– Eva.

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I didn’t do it!!

Not that I want a pat on the back or anything, but I thought I would let you know that I stayed strong, and I kept my birthday wishes to myself!!

I think today has been the most nerve racking of these few days that I have been here…probably due mainly to that temptation and the wondering.

I have this other issue, too, that makes the job hunt nerve racking. I got on craigslist to search for job postings… it kills me because I know in the past he has gone on the personal sections of craigslist to look for women…and for some masochistic reason I am tempted to see if he posted something there. Extremely tempted. I controlled myself but just using that site leaves me very anxious.

Phewwww.

It’ll be okay ๐Ÿ™‚

I am looking forward to tomorrow. I am going to go put another office application in and call around some more. I want to work!! I NEED to work!! I am going to make this happen ๐Ÿ™‚

Thank you to everyone who offered me advice and support today. โ™ฅ I really appreciate it.

– Eva.

My best friend in the whole world sent me this link today.

She said that this podcast made her think of me and that I should give it a listen.

It is about mindfulness and self-worth and overcoming inner obstacles. It really resonated with me and I would like to learn more now. I thought I would share it, so maybe someone else could benefit from it as well.

I think I would classify the beginning of the podcast as NSFW, but if you just push on past that you will get to the part where Dr. Jenn talks about mindfulness and her techniques in helping people realise it.

The podcast handle is sexnerdsandra, and Dr. Jenn can be found on YouTube and a few other sites as drjennsden.

Enjoy ๐Ÿ˜ฎ

Tomorrow is his birthday…

And for some reason I feel super compelled to text him and tell him happy birthday and I hope it is a good one…

Whhyyyyyyyy?!?!

I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to take the chance of getting sucked back in. I just want to tell my once-best-friend happy birthday.

Bleh.

“someone can b…

wordbirdrants

โ€œsomeone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. they can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. and whatever their reasons you must leave. because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. you never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. there is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. and there is the love that will be ready.โ€

โ€” nayyirah waheed (via nayyirahwaheed

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I started my job hunt today.

I guess technically I started yesterday, but today I went down to a staffing agency and put an application in.

I feel like my head isn’t really in the game today… I woke up from a really depressing dream about Him this morning and it seems like it really threw me off. I don’t want to go back, I don’t miss him… I just want to forget the pain. I want to move on. Right now I just feel stagnant, depending on the kindness of my family, no transportation, etc.

But it will be okay!! Things may not turn around as quickly as I would like them to, but they will turn around as long as I make the required effort. Yes, indeed!

Just writing this down is reassuring for me and lifts my spirits ๐Ÿ™‚

I can’t wait to get my new life started!!!

-E.

After a long, ugly car ride…

I made it to my family’s house. He threw me out with all of my belongings on my mother’s driveway and sped off. Sweet.

Anyhow. I am going to start a new life now.

I pray to the universe that I learned something from all this, and certainly that I learned how not to pick the same kind of partner in the future. That terrifies me, that I may make the same mistake again.

Tomorrow begins the job hunt. I hope I am lucky enough to get hired somewhere quick… I need to be busy so I can move forward in my life. So here’s to hoping for that ๐Ÿ™‚

-E.