It’s been nearly two years.

Nearly two years have passed since I have been separated from the guy I used to write about on here all the time. I finally broke away from him and I’ve started piecing my life back together. I even have a new lover now, although I often question if I’m ready for it or if it’s a good idea for me.

The things I went through with that monster from before haunt me to this day. I really wish he had only hit me. The emotional abuse is what I can’t shake. I lost confidence in myself in just about every way possible. Most importantly, I don’t trust my own judgement any more. I feel like…if I could have been so wrong about the one before, how can I be sure I won’t make the same mistake again?

But…was I wrong about him? I mean, from the beginning I was wary of entering into something with him. I rejected him several times before I final decided to give him a chance. Maybe instead of not trusting myself I should take this as a note that I should always trust my first instinct.

The poor guy I’m with now…because I often question my own judgment, I constantly worry about if I can trust him or not. I always worry that if he’s mad at me, he’s going to do something to hurt me. Just to hurt me, like the last one. I’m worried that I’m not pretty enough, nice enough, good enough. That he’ll betray me, too. I worry about these things despite the fact that he has never sought to do me harm, has never betrayed me, and is endlessly patient with me. Sometimes I feel like his role in my life is to be some kind of criminal who has committed no crime.

That’s not to say there hasn’t been progress, but I want to work through these horrible feelings so that I can be the person he deserves again. That’s why I decided to pick up this journal again and try to write through the issues as a form of therapy.

Here’s to everything…

Eva

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One thought on “It’s been nearly two years.

  1. Living life as a criminal, without having committed a crime – that about sums it up. Sadly, I know exact what that feels. If only criminals (or cheaters) were able to feel that emotional guilt too….

    I never read your blog before, but I can imagine what it was like, so, I’m happy to read you are moving on. A bit jealous actually, but I’m just a step in time before you. Hopefully.
    Yet, what you describe mimics my own fears of the future after all that as come to pass.
    You didn’t committed a crime. If anything, you were the victim of one.
    Move on. Leave the trash behind.
    I sincerely wish you the best of luck. May the wounds heal, and live once again.
    Merry Christmas

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