I’m having a hard time today…

I had kind of a fight with my significant other last night. He thought I did something intentionally that I did by accident and then he was in a bad mood and he wanted to be alone… I took that as him punishing me for something I didn’t do and I pestered him about it. He ended up leaving to go do something somewhere else to get away from me >_> heh heh. I guess I tend to exacerbate situations sometimes. But when he refuses to communicate with me about something it’s hard not to because I can only go with what I can assume from the information I have…which doesn’t always fit nicely into a reasonable explanation for why things are happening, so I get upset that crazy shit’s going on and then I make everything worse.

Today, because we had that fight yesterday, I’m just in this funk…feeling like I’m all alone and like I can’t trust him not to abandon me or act crazy. I don’t know how to handle this. I’m tired of feeling this way time and time again.

Betrayal

My ex constantly criticized everything I did. When other people did the same little things as I did he would say nothing, but if it was me I would never here the end of the insults and harassment. Even things as simple as missing a turn or which side of a parking lot I decided to leave from.

I confronted him about this fact at a festival called Alchemy in Georgia. I asked him why he couldn’t afford me the same respect he afforded other people. At some point during the exchange he got extremely angry and stormed away. I stayed behind for a while, crying, and then went back to our tent. I had no idea where he had went but I sent a friend to check on him and make sure he was OK. Our mutual friend found him. My ex didn’t like that I had sent him so he proceeded to have sex in an orgy tent right in front of him.

Our friend didn’t tell me what happened, but my ex did. He came back, took me by the hand, and asked me to walk with him. After we got a little distance from our camp site he told me what he had done…I didnt believe him at first, but when he insisted I knew it was true and I immediately ripped my hand away. What proceeded afterward was long and dramatic, but involved him telling me over and over again how it was all my fault and I had somehow made him do it.

In the end he went into our van, rolled up in a ball, and started rocking and saying, “I just wanna go home,” repeatedly. Through all the pain and anger I felt I still felt worry for him as well…and it all turned into ME trying to help HIM stop breaking down.

I wish I had ended it all there. I spent another year with him.

Arrested

The night that signaled the true end was truly horrible. I don’t remember exactly how the fight started. What I remember is him standing over me in the dimly lit living room while I struggled through eyes full of tears to stuff my few belongings into my luggage. He was haranguing me…who knows about what. He was insulting me and spitting in the floor. I said something in my defense and he summoned a big wad of spit to expel on my face. It landed in a nasty mess between my right eye and my nose.

At that point I felt I had to react…I had to demand respect for myself. I had to show myself that I wouldn’t be spit on and treated like shit. So, I stood, squared myself off and approached him. He scoffed and said, “What are you gonna do?” I reared back and gave him the strongest right hook to his left jaw that I could muster. It felt like nothing but I heard the crack of his jaw. Dislocated.

His muscle memory of hand to hand combat training went into action immediately. No sooner than when my fist slid from his jaw had he grabbed my arm, spun me around, and sent me hurdling toward the wall.

My own face broke my fall on the wall. I should say: My own face broke through the wall. It felt like nothing. No pain, but there was a small amount of blood. My lip started swelling inside with blood immedately. Then he came for me, backed me into a corner and we struggled for a while. He tried to throw me over the couch but I fought him…I balanced myself with my legs, which had a firm grip on the back edge of the sofa. I had many opportunities to hit him again. I wanted to smashed my elbow through his face…but I held back. I didn’t want to hurt him.

At some point during the struggle I ripped his shirt, which had been a gift from one of his family members, in an effort not to be slung across the room. I wouldn’t let go. When that happened, he suddenly stopped and began weeping and breaking down.

I took that opportunity to call his father, who immediately prompted me to call the police. I was still so concerned about his well being at the point that I refused…I felt I couldn’t do that to him. So his father did it. He called the police and told them to send an ambulance for a wellness check.

When they showed up, I told the ambulance I was fine and he refused to be seen by them. The police picked up the work from there. They questioned us both and heard both sides of the conflict. Then, they put him in cuffs and took him away…

Even after that…I hoped things could change. I hoped he could change. I stuck around for a little while, but things never remedied.

I’ll continue this some other time…

Eva

It’s been nearly two years.

Nearly two years have passed since I have been separated from the guy I used to write about on here all the time. I finally broke away from him and I’ve started piecing my life back together. I even have a new lover now, although I often question if I’m ready for it or if it’s a good idea for me.

The things I went through with that monster from before haunt me to this day. I really wish he had only hit me. The emotional abuse is what I can’t shake. I lost confidence in myself in just about every way possible. Most importantly, I don’t trust my own judgement any more. I feel like…if I could have been so wrong about the one before, how can I be sure I won’t make the same mistake again?

But…was I wrong about him? I mean, from the beginning I was wary of entering into something with him. I rejected him several times before I final decided to give him a chance. Maybe instead of not trusting myself I should take this as a note that I should always trust my first instinct.

The poor guy I’m with now…because I often question my own judgment, I constantly worry about if I can trust him or not. I always worry that if he’s mad at me, he’s going to do something to hurt me. Just to hurt me, like the last one. I’m worried that I’m not pretty enough, nice enough, good enough. That he’ll betray me, too. I worry about these things despite the fact that he has never sought to do me harm, has never betrayed me, and is endlessly patient with me. Sometimes I feel like his role in my life is to be some kind of criminal who has committed no crime.

That’s not to say there hasn’t been progress, but I want to work through these horrible feelings so that I can be the person he deserves again. That’s why I decided to pick up this journal again and try to write through the issues as a form of therapy.

Here’s to everything…

Eva

Something is holding her back. No matter how she digs, and scratches, and claws, she can’t reach what she needs. Would that it were only a matter of depth. If digging alone could get her there things would be so much easier. But digging doesn’t help. She digs in vain. Digs to dig. She digs like one digs through a bag but doesn’t know what one is looking for. She doesn’t know what it looks like or what she is trying to find. She could be looking right at it but she would never know. She could have touched it a thousand times. Still, she searches. Rifles around. Looking for it. The reason she can’t budge from where she is at. 

There isn’t much to report for the last few days.

Things have been pretty quiet. I have been sick. I am not sure what with, maybe a cold or a sinus infection. My sister has three kids and I am pretty sure one of them passed it off to me.

I am not sure if I mentioned this before, but my sister’s friend has been staying here as well, since about the second day I was here. Her husband was beating her up when he was drunk and she came here to get away. She is staying here, waiting for the cops to pick him up… it is taking them forever to find him.

Anyway. We did a little birthday celebration for her on Saturday. We got babysitters, had some drinks, hung out…

I think the alcohol really made me feel more out of place than I usually feel…or maybe it just made me realize that I feel that way sometimes. I felt like I was going through culture shock.

What’s more, I have bad dreams almost every night and I always wake up for no reason between 4:00 and 4:30 AM. It is hard to get any sleep. I guess being sick doesn’t help 😛

I am hoping to get some rest today and call around about jobs. Gotta keep my head in the game :]

– Eva.

I didn’t do it!!

Not that I want a pat on the back or anything, but I thought I would let you know that I stayed strong, and I kept my birthday wishes to myself!!

I think today has been the most nerve racking of these few days that I have been here…probably due mainly to that temptation and the wondering.

I have this other issue, too, that makes the job hunt nerve racking. I got on craigslist to search for job postings… it kills me because I know in the past he has gone on the personal sections of craigslist to look for women…and for some masochistic reason I am tempted to see if he posted something there. Extremely tempted. I controlled myself but just using that site leaves me very anxious.

Phewwww.

It’ll be okay 🙂

I am looking forward to tomorrow. I am going to go put another office application in and call around some more. I want to work!! I NEED to work!! I am going to make this happen 🙂

Thank you to everyone who offered me advice and support today. ♥ I really appreciate it.

– Eva.

My best friend in the whole world sent me this link today.

She said that this podcast made her think of me and that I should give it a listen.

It is about mindfulness and self-worth and overcoming inner obstacles. It really resonated with me and I would like to learn more now. I thought I would share it, so maybe someone else could benefit from it as well.

I think I would classify the beginning of the podcast as NSFW, but if you just push on past that you will get to the part where Dr. Jenn talks about mindfulness and her techniques in helping people realise it.

The podcast handle is sexnerdsandra, and Dr. Jenn can be found on YouTube and a few other sites as drjennsden.

Enjoy 😮

Tomorrow is his birthday…

And for some reason I feel super compelled to text him and tell him happy birthday and I hope it is a good one…

Whhyyyyyyyy?!?!

I don’t want to talk to him. I don’t want to take the chance of getting sucked back in. I just want to tell my once-best-friend happy birthday.

Bleh.

“someone can b…

wordbirdrants

“someone can be madly in love with you and still not be ready. they can love you in a way you have never been loved and still not join you on the bridge. and whatever their reasons you must leave. because you never ever have to inspire anyone to meet you on the bridge. you never ever have to convince someone to do the work to be ready. there is more extraordinary love, more love that you have never seen, out here in this wide and wild universe. and there is the love that will be ready.”

— nayyirah waheed (via nayyirahwaheed

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