Arrested

The night that signaled the true end was truly horrible. I don’t remember exactly how the fight started. What I remember is him standing over me in the dimly lit living room while I struggled through eyes full of tears to stuff my few belongings into my luggage. He was haranguing me…who knows about what. He was insulting me and spitting in the floor. I said something in my defense and he summoned a big wad of spit to expel on my face. It landed in a nasty mess between my right eye and my nose.

At that point I felt I had to react…I had to demand respect for myself. I had to show myself that I wouldn’t be spit on and treated like shit. So, I stood, squared myself off and approached him. He scoffed and said, “What are you gonna do?” I reared back and gave him the strongest right hook to his left jaw that I could muster. It felt like nothing but I heard the crack of his jaw. Dislocated.

His muscle memory of hand to hand combat training went into action immediately. No sooner than when my fist slid from his jaw had he grabbed my arm, spun me around, and sent me hurdling toward the wall.

My own face broke my fall on the wall. I should say: My own face broke through the wall. It felt like nothing. No pain, but there was a small amount of blood. My lip started swelling inside with blood immedately. Then he came for me, backed me into a corner and we struggled for a while. He tried to throw me over the couch but I fought him…I balanced myself with my legs, which had a firm grip on the back edge of the sofa. I had many opportunities to hit him again. I wanted to smashed my elbow through his face…but I held back. I didn’t want to hurt him.

At some point during the struggle I ripped his shirt, which had been a gift from one of his family members, in an effort not to be slung across the room. I wouldn’t let go. When that happened, he suddenly stopped and began weeping and breaking down.

I took that opportunity to call his father, who immediately prompted me to call the police. I was still so concerned about his well being at the point that I refused…I felt I couldn’t do that to him. So his father did it. He called the police and told them to send an ambulance for a wellness check.

When they showed up, I told the ambulance I was fine and he refused to be seen by them. The police picked up the work from there. They questioned us both and heard both sides of the conflict. Then, they put him in cuffs and took him away…

Even after that…I hoped things could change. I hoped he could change. I stuck around for a little while, but things never remedied.

I’ll continue this some other time…

Eva

Leaving the Past Behind

I had a really impactful dream last night. I won’t get into all the details, but basically I was hanging out with some people who at one point in my life were very important to me. I have since broken ties with them. However, in my dream they were there and they were battling with the people I currently hold dear for a slot in my life. I was sitting in a booth somewhere with one these old friends and new ones began to show up. Although I could recognize them, next to my old friends my new friends could not recognize me.

When I woke up my heart was hurting with the memory of those people I once held dear but am no longer in touch with. A lingering pain from the separation haunted me on my way to work.

I started to think about it, though, and one thing became very clear to me: there is no going back. I will never be the person those people loved again. I have changed too much in the past two years of my life. I can never revert to the me I was before the events that changed my life and my outlook on the world so drastically two years ago. Those people, they are from my old life now. They are from a chapter that has closed.

I am at the beginning of a new chapter in my life. The first two years of this chapter have been rocky and earth-shaking. Things are just starting to calm down, and I am sure I will find my solid footing again soon.

I think in some ways I have not completely let those people go, but this morning I found a new resolve to confront that pain and attachment and truly try to move on. I have a tendency to block things out in order to avoid painful emotions. For this reason, I think, I can’t completely heal or get over some things. Today that changes, at least in this instance. I am going to try my hardest to feel whatever comes my way and to work through it.

Maybe dealing with things in this manner will pull me out of this haze I have been walking around in.

Depersonalization?

Imagine you’re sitting in a restaurant. Or on the couch at your family’s house. Or hanging out with your significant other. You look around, you try to focus on the people around you, but it is hard. Everything seems distant. You make conversation, you hear yourself talking and responding appropriately, but you ask yourself how it is happening. You are in some way physically aware and conscious of what you are doing but it seems as though you are watching someone else go through the motions of your life. It is as though a thin veil separates you from everything. You zone out a lot. You feel as though you are in a daze. You sit in your room and look at the walls around you and it seems very … distant. Unfamiliar, almost. You feel like you have tunnel vision all the time. You can’t connect with anyone or anything because you can’t even connect with yourself.

This is a problem I have been having a lot lately. I am not really sure what it is or why I have it. Could it be depression? I don’t know… It doesn’t feel like any depression I have ever heard described. Is it some kind of dissociative disorder? Depersonalization? I wish I knew the answers to these questions but I have none.

Little things bring me back now and then. When my partner does sweet little things that touch me and make me smile, when something makes me laugh heartily. It seems rare though. Today I had a good laugh about something. Afterward I sat there wondering when the last time I laughed more than a chuckle like that was. I couldn’t remember.

What the hell is up with me? It is frustrating because I don’t know if I should be worried that I don’t feel like myself or if I should just ride it out and hope I pull through eventually.

Anyway. Sleep time.

Buenas noches.