she cries too much.

(3) Went to the doctor…

They said it’s a sever le sprain but no fracture 🙂 They out me in a boot and on some crutches since the pain is pretty bad for walking even with the boot.

Currently:

Icing it.
Pretty boring stuff 😛

(2) It’s 3AM but I haven’t slept…

So I’m counting this as part of my posting streak.

Today was … lousy? I guess. I was tired all day but I worked hard through it. Also had a bit of an argument with T. THEN, at 11PM when I was leaving one of my tutoring student’s house…I fell of the steps and sprained my ankle.

On a positive note, my student is doing well in her class and has made some significant improvements 🙂 She received 100 on an important assignment.

What is more, T has been pampering me ❤ That’s always nice.

I’m just worried about what to do tomorrow…I’m supposed to work but I don’t know if it’s a good idea seeing as I would need to be on my feet a lot. I notified my employer about my situation but I haven’t received a response.

 

(1) Every time I skip a day…

I’m going to start over numbering my posts from 1 and see what that largest post streak I can get is. Maybe that will act as an additional motivator for me 🙂

Honestly, it’s not that I don’t want to post every day. It’s just that I get so busy and forget.

In any case…Donald Trump is straight stressing me out.

I have a friend who posted on Facebook about how silly white people are that we are shocked by Donald Trump, because his racism and xenophobia are just 1 example of how these sentiments are rampant in America… But you know… It’s not that I was blind to it before. I’ve seen it. Over and over again. However, I really never thought that a POLITICIAN would stand up on a stage and say things that take us all back to the WWII era. I thought if a politician stood up to say the horrible, hateful things he says, that he would be shut down so fast. I didn’t think crowds would flock to him. I didn’t think he would be a major candidate for presidency. When D.T. first announced that he was running I laughed it off; I thought it was going to be a joke. It really doesn’t seem like a joke any more… It’s really just terrifying.

I really really hope and pray and beg that young people go out to vote for anyone besides Trump. If anyone out there is planning not to vote, or hasn’t thought about it, please consider that your responsibility has never been more important. Only by standing up and casting our votes can we prevent this national catastrophe.

 

I’m still here!

I couldn’t post yesterday because my phone died and I was out of town overnight, but I’m here today 😀

I had a great time with T in Nashville. We went to a great Blues bar and saw an amazing band. It was really refreshing. The lead vocalist/guitar player was extremely animated and entertaining.

Besides a few small hiccups and me obsessively wanting to follow the plan I had made, we had a great overnight trip.

I don’t have time for a long post today, but I just wanted to pop in and say hello and at least write down a few things.

Almost forgot

But here I am! I’m about to go to bed soon, but I just wanted to journal for a minute before I pass out.

Today was a good day 🙂 I was happy. My boyfriend (T) and I went grocery shopping and he was really affectionate towards me and I loved it .

I tried to get some work done…but I didn’t really do much. I couldn’t focus. I’m too excited about the mini-vacation I’m taking tomorrow. It’s really just an overnight trip, but I’m really looking forward to it 🙂 I will try to post at least a few sentences when I get a chance via the mobile app.

Good things that happened today:

1. The kid I nanny learned the ASL sign for milk, which I’ve been showing him for 3 weeks.
2. T brought me lunch.
3. I went grocery shopping with T and he was really affectionate.
4. T and I cleared the air with a close friend about a misunderstanding.
5. T and I figured out his insurance info so we can get his glasses repaired.
6. I played LoL with my girls team ❤
7. I enjoyed learning a new champion in LoL. Had a funny match.
8. I cuddled with my kitty.
9. We paid the rent.
10. T dropped me off and picked me up from nannying ❤ It was nice spending the extra time together.

Loving-Kindness Meditation (Day 2)

I woke up today and tried to practice a Loveing-Kindness Meditation. I did it for about 10 or 15 minutes, but I couldn’t break through my feeling of numbness towards myself. A couple of times I started to feel kind of happy but as soon as I acknowledged it, it would fade away. So I’m going to keep working on that ^.^

I almost forgot to journal this morning, but I saw some notifications and a comment from someone and it jogged my memory. I’m glad for that because I really think that, for me, I have better days when I remember to journal.

Today I am going to try to focus on kindness and patience. I’m going to try to be kind to myself and those around me. I’m also going to try not to get frustrated or annoyed. I’ve been pretty irritable lately so I think I need to reel that in.

I just started thinking recently that maybe I’m so unhappy these days because in the last few years I have really neglected myself internally and spiritually. I want to explore if working on these things lead to a happier life for me. I am exploring my ideas about myself, the universe, spirituality, and testing them. If atheism is a void of depression and loneliness for me, then I am not going to sink into it without question.

Working on self-love

I always do this. I say I’m going to start keeping a regular journal or blog and then after a while I just let it slide.

Anyway. Here I am again. I’m going to try to pick it up again and also work on some self-esteem and self-love issues in the process.

I feel like I lost myself and the love I had for myself at some point in the void of terror that was my last relationship. I started to question my every move, doubt my every decision, and generally dislike myself. Why? Because someone told me that I wasn’t worthy of love. Told me I was stupid. Told me I was a fat ass. Told me I could screw up a wet dream.

I had no one and I hung myself on those words. But now I’m free. I keep telling myself that. I’m free now and I shouldn’t allow him to have any hold on my past, present, or future. So here we go. Some reasons why I love myself:

1. I love myself because I have a good heart. I always put others before myself. I try to improve the lives of people and animals around me.
2. I love myself because I am smart. I’m an excellent linguist and language learner. I’ve never met anyone who learns languages at the rate I can.
3. I love myself because I’m a great writer, creatively and academically.
4. I love myself because I care too much. I always seek justice in the world and strive to strike out injustices when I see them.
5. I love myself because I care for my family, even if I can’t see them often. I always do whatever is in my power to help them.
6. I love myself because I am a hardworking and responsible person. I take care of myself and whatever I say that I will do.
7. I love myself because I love playing video games and meeting new people through them.
8. I love myself because I am great with computers and people often turn to me for advice about computer repairs and troubleshooting.
9. I love myself because I am beautiful, curvy, and have an amazing smile.
10. I love myself because I am a human being, and I afford love to all the human beings around me. So then, don’t I deserve to love myself as well?

This is going to sound funny…

But I was thinking about what people always say: Matter can neither be created nor destroyed.

Some people use that as a way to justify their belief in a soul or afterlife. It’s just fanciful but I was thinking about that…

What if, when we all become fertilizer for plants and whatnot, bits and pieces of us pass into the food chain, eaten eventually by other humans, who we then become a part of…

Like…what if a pregnant woman ate something that had at some point in the food chain been fertilized by someone… Then bits and pieces of someone would be reborn in that child.

Crazy, right? But that’s where my brain goes sometimes.

Meaninglessness of Existence

I’m having a lot of trouble coping with life these days. I feel pretty down in the dumps at random but regular intervals. I feel like my life has no meaning. I feel like existence is probably meaningless in general. I fear the void that will come at the end of my run on this planet. I wish so badly that I could buy into some afterlife fantasy, but no matter how I try I can’t bring myself to do it. I just can’t convince myself.

To my fellow atheists/agnostics/non-believers out there: How do you deal with the “knowledge” that when it’s over, it’s over? How does stressing over money and career and getting by seem justifiable when it will all end in blackness? Is there another way of looking at it?

Someone tried to make me feel better by saying well…you’ll never really disappear, no matter disappears… But to me all that means is that I’ll become fertilizer for some plant after I die and my energy will be transferred back into the ground. That doesn’t mean my “soul” will go on to frolic about the universe.

Can someone please offer me some kind of comfort or perspective that might help me rise above this depressing idea of reality I have right now?